It was the Worst of Times and the Best of Times

The title is part of a well-known quote from A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, but as one of the worst English Majors in the world, I have yet to read it. (That, and To Kill a Mockingbird. I know, I know. I really missed out in high school.) I just snatched it because the idea of best and worst being together applies to the idea I've been thinking about recently.

I aim to keep this short.

Some of the worst times/points in my life that I have experienced have been times when I was afraid and filled with what seemed an unmanageable level of fear. However, these times of fear are the very times that God has always intervened and given me incredible, delicious peace. Whether something has threatened me or I have lost sight of God's promise of faithfulness, God has always answered my fear with peace. How incredible is that?

For me, I think the worst part about having fear is the soon-to-follow realization that my faith in God is not as strong as I had thought. It's disappointing! It's like, "Oh dang...I thought I'd gotten past that." or, "Crap. I'm not as strong or well-guarded as I thought!" Then this panicky feeling sets in. Shortly after I have let in the panic (however minor), then comes the shame and disappointment of having deceived myself about my own fortitude. It's like a little destructive cycle! Fear --> Why am I afraid? --> Must not really believe God is who He says He is if I'm filled with destructive fears --> and the shame comes and says, "Ya really screwed up again." But fortunately, there is a dawn after the darkest point of the night.

Recognizing my fear and shame at my lack of faith cripples my heart to the point of throwing myself to my knees, and finally, there I realize that it is where I belong -on my knees. No matter how long we have been denying the reality of our fear and the reality of our lack of faith, God is merciful.

As I am on my knees, whether physically or kneeling in my heart, God is always so swift to restore my wholeness. So thorough in patching the chink in my armor that allowed the fear to seep in, and so gracefully filling me with His enduring love. And it ends up a good thing.

Might I suggest that He has peace and healing from fear in store for you in the worst of your times? In receiving that peace, you will taste the best of times.

Spinning Tires

So, I'm sure you know how it goes. Rain is to pretty flowers just as snow and ice is to vehicle trouble. Not that my car got stuck. I mean, don't me wrong, I have car trouble more than I'd prefer. But buying a rear wheel drive car is one mistake I'll never make again. But fortunately, my experience and trial and error with such a vehicle prepared me to assist someone with their own rear wheel drive pain-on-the-ice-rink.

I was walking towards the dining hall just as darkness was setting in when I saw a rather new-looking car attempting to pull out of a parking space. Just to give ya'll a picture, imagine what happens when a snow plow pushes all the snow to one side as it tries to clear a parking area. Well, for every car that was already there, it piles the snow up right behind the tires of the vehicle. After a partial thaw, this forms an ice mountain that a car with zero momentum going in its favor will have trouble getting over. That was the case for this car, too.

Sometimes in life you get stuck. You know where you want to go, but getting there proves more difficult that you anticipated. I find that to be the case in my life occasionally. Sometimes being stuck is more metaphorical than literal, but this example was pretty literal.

Not gonna lie, when I heard the spinning tires I almost kept walking. But when I looked over my shoulder and assessed the problem I realized that I was fully capable of getting that car out of its predicament... I watched the drivers struggle a moment more as I pondered whether it would be rude for me to approach and assume I could handle it, or if it would be at all acceptable to turn a blind eye and hope for the best. Clearly, the driver was female even though I couldn't see through the cars darkly tinted windows. Not only was the driver not pressing the accelerator hard enough to be a guy who is clueless of how to drive in the snow desperately trying to get out before anyone saw him stuck, but it was spinning it's rear tires in front of a girls' dorm building. So, I decided it was safe to assume it would be a girl and I wouldn't humiliate some guy's delicate ego by being a chick who was offering to get his car out for him.

I came over, smiled and waved to get her attention. She saw me coming and rolled her window down.
"You need help?" is what I should have said. But what really came out of my mouth was, "Ya know how to drive in the snow?" Silly me. Of course she didn't. That's why her tires were digging a deeper hole in the ice and slush to get out of.
"Oh do you?!" She said with more desperation that I had anticipated.
 I looked in and saw that her fancy new car didn't have a low gear for some reason. Weird. I guess car manufacturers are preparing us all to be helpless in snow and ice or in an off-road emergency. But anyway, the girl was at a loss, but before I said anything else, she unbuckled and hopped out of the drivers seat. Short story even shorter, I got the car out in a jiffy. But only when I got out and held the door open for the car's rightful driver did I realize how much my assistance had helped this girl out.

There she stood in front of me with her cute, baby bump belly much more noticeable now that she was standing in front of me. "Thank you so much! I didn't know what I was going to do! I'm 6 months pregnant and I wasn't about to be able to push my car over the ice!" she said. How I didn't notice her pregnant-ness before, I have no idea, but I was suddenly hit with the realization of how much offering to help meant to this girl. Offering help could actually be helpful to people. Who knew?

I am so glad I was there and that I decided to approach her and use my knowledge and whatever driving skills I have to assist someone. It reminds me again how privileged I am to have grown up in the country and had plenty of practice getting vehicles stuck and eventually unstuck again. It reminds me that the practice that I had (however intentional or unintentional) prepared me to help someone else in need.
Once again, I have brought my country kid-ness to the city and found myself equipped and useful.

So my point isn't to tell you how awesome I am for helping someone get their car over the ice barrier. Instead, I'd like to encourage you to use what you have been given and learned to help others today. Wherever you have come from has helped you be where you are today. And whatever you bring to the table can equip you to be a blessing to someone else. Also, it can mean a lot more to them to offer a helping hand than you know -just like I didn't know how much she really needed help until I realized that she was pregnant after I got her car out.

Don't walk away from someone in need. We're all alone enough without the people around us turning away. I hope that this is encouraging to you somehow. I know this experience has definitely encouraged me! I also hope that you find ways to make yourself a blessing to others around you, and that you receive the joy that comes with being a blessing.

Drowning

Recently I finished reading a fantastic book. You may have heard of Mere Christianity, by C. S. Lewis before, but if you've never taken more than a five minute look at it, I'd suggest that you do at some point. There's something about how C. S. Lewis words things and gives graspable illustrations that really helps me understand what he is saying. Points he makes regarding humanity and Christianity and many other topics really hit home not only spiritually, but logically and realistically as well. With an attitude that speaks of partial dedication to Christ being worse than zero dedication, and willingness to take time to clear up any discrepancies that may come up, Lewis has impacted yet another life even after his death. Mine.
So, I decided to thumb through my underlined and annotated copy of Mere Christianity and share one topic or another that struck me.

I've included a reference at the end of the post, however, to give a brief run-down about what topic that I'm about to share that Lewis tackles, here is a bit of background:
The overarching topic is atonement, however, most of the time in the chapter is focused on the fact that Jesus was God. The idea is raised that being submitted to God, suffering and dying must have been a lot easier for Jesus since he was God (and I personally insert that he IS still God and always will be). But the truth clashes with human perspective when people think that it might have been easier for Jesus to go through all that he did since he was God, and as a result, a sense of unfairness comes up. It's that sense of unfairness that Lewis nails with the following illustration.

If I am drowning in a rapid river, a man who still has one foot on the bank may give me a hand which saves my life. Ought I to shout back (between my gasps) 'No, it's not fair! You have an advantage! You're keeping one foot on the bank'? That advantage -call it 'unfair' if you like- is the only reason why he can be of any use to me.

When I read this, I actually laughed out loud. Not because I was amused at the mental picture of myself drowning in a river, but because of the glaring truth that my corrupted human mind had failed to really see. It is a ridiculous idea for a drowning person to reject help from another because the other had some advantage that could aid him. Ridiculous. But if we take the perspective that some advantage on the part of the savior is unfair, then we definitely fail to see that it's really us who are drowning in the river. If I were literally drowning, I'd be fighting pretty hard, but there would come a moment when it finally sank in that I couldn't save myself. That I needed someone to save me.
The reason I need Jesus is because he isn't in the same predicament as I find myself in. The reason I need him is because he knows what he's doing. The reason I need him is because if -cough,- I mean when I'm drowning in bad choices, sin, hurt, and all those other rampant, human nature diseases in this life, he isn't drowning with me. He's in a position that, because of his grace and mercy, benefits me. Thank God that He isn't like me!


So, yeah. It's "unfair" if that's how you want to see it. But from the perspective of someone
I'm drowning in a river every day. I need help. I can't save myself. I can't do it alone.
 He also said, "The perfect submission, the perfect suffering, the perfect death were not only easier to Jesus because He was God, but were possible only because he was God."
No mere human can save you. No level of ambition however high or low can rescue you. No amount of pride is going to help you to the shore of the raging river that you're stuck in. If anything, pride will sink your body faster.


Lewis concludes the illustrations by saying, "To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?"

I know the answer for myself. I will look to the hills and see that my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. I'll look to him who is stronger than I am. I'd like to encourage everyone to take the outstretched hand of the man who has an advantage for being on the shore while you're in the river. His hand is never out of reach, and he will never pull away. Once you have clasped hands, just know that he will never let you go either.

(For reference sake, this quote is taken from the latter portion of a chapter entitled The Perfect Penitent)

Lull Me

Lull me into your sweet
Embrace
Where I can taste your love
And grace
I know there is a deeper
Place
Where we see each other
Face to face

This I want: to be only
Yours
of this I desire to
Be sure
No other love is such a
Cure
And no other is near
So pure.

Declaring Dreams

Whenever the opportunity arises, I love to go swing dancing. For years now I've made it down to the Casaloma Ballroom to try out my dancing and have fun with friends. Recently having started school at a different location, I managed to connect myself into the Swing Dance Club here. Being a part of the group here has been fantastic because not only do I learn so much from these guys and gals, but they are great people to spend time with. So the other night, we went adancin'.

There we were, our own group of 10 or so people, among scores of others there for the same purpose. Having fun. It turned out that an extension of our group managed to make it that night as well, so there were many people that knew one other if only vaguely, but all were happily introduced. After the brief refresher course was given, we all got down to it. The gentlemen wasted no time in swinging with their gals and those of us who were there without designated partners (like me) didn't have to wait long before people switched partners. That is one great thing about swing dance. It is an unspoken rule that you dance with several different people. Not that you haaaave to if you and your partner don't want to, but everyone typically takes advantage of learning from other people's moves or styles. It's great. 

So we're all dancing the night away, right? Yup. Then I was asked to dance by a friend of one of my group members. Another thing you should know if you are new to swing dance is that it is a social dance. Which, yes, that means you can do it with loads of other people, but it also means that you talk and dance at the same time. Again, not a rule, but it is typical to carry on a conversation as you swing around to the upbeat music. After we'd introduced ourselves, we skipped out to an open space and started talking and dancing. After a little while once we'd gotten past where we went to school, what year we were in school, majors, and all that normal stuff, he asked me a question that surprised me. "So what is your dream?"

[insert dramatic pause as I mentally scrambled around for some coherent answer.] I can't say that I often get asked that question, so for one, I was surprised. But for two, whenever I do get asked that question, I always feel lame as I say "I don't know," or "Wish I knew." In fact, even when I did have something that I dreamed of doing, I was strongly encouraged by leaders to "dream bigger" and I can't tell you how many times when someone has prophesied over me their words from God have been "don't be limited, dream dream dream, it's okay because God's imagination is bigger." For some reason, dreaming a night in my sleep is not rare and certainly no difficulty, but releasing myself to imagine what I amazing things I want to do with the time that I have here on earth...erg. I smack into the brick wall of my own disbelief in what God can do in me. 

So ya know what I said? I said, "I'd like to write a couple books and be a mom someday." Both perfectly good and honorable things to do in one's life, but as the words came out my mouth my mind rushed back to all the times I'd been encouraged to really dream about what I wanted to do, and that as great as those things were, my answer didn't show much proof of careful thought or creativity. Not only that, but when I asked him the same question, his answer put mine to shame. He said, "I want to show the hand of God through the arts." Simple, great, and so much more descriptive of the dream of a God-honoring individual than my answer. I have to laugh at myself because this guy showed me up in a really good way. He showed me up in the sense that he had no idea I am a Christian as well, but was willing to just throw out there what he wants to do with his life. He didn't know that the time we spent dancing to a song would turn into a brief but encouraging discussion about our similar views on God (just like I didn't know either), but he was willing to toss out his question and springboard the conversation towards God. 

I was impressed and encouraged by his example. Not only that, but I realized something about myself. If I want to glorify God and make him known to others throughout my lifetime, I need to be able to express vision for my life beyond the desire to getting published and chase kids around. I need to have a ready answer. What is my dream? What do I want to be remembered for? How do I want to show God to the world? What wild things could my imagination come up with, that God doesn't either have something better in mind, or that He couldn't make happen? 

I'm still thinking on this. I'm taking my time to come up with an answer that more fully expresses who I am and what I am working towards. Since my life revolves around and is (I hope) more increasingly more in love with Jesus, His name should be mentioned in my statement of purpose. At the very least, my answer should be, "I want to glorify God through writing books and being a mother," but I have a feeling that if I seriously take the words of my leaders to dream bigger into consideration, my answer will evolve into something different. 

Like I said, I'm still thinking on it, but I wanted to share my little story and encourage you to not only dream bigger for yourself, but to have an answer for any stranger who might happen to ask what your life is about. I hope you do what I failed to do, which is to name the Maker of your life in the desired purpose of your life.