Shiny Side up and Between the Green

I very recently interviewed a couple for an assignment in my Marriage and Family class. This post is basically the paper I turned in to go along with the assignment, but with some minor differences making one more blog appropriate and the other more assignment appropriate. But my hope in sharing this with you all is that not only will Steve and Jan get to see basically what came of the time they let me have with them, but to share some (only SOME) of the great stuff they shared and said to me.

My paper went something like:

I chose Steve and Jan to interview because they are an older couple whom I respect greatly for not only their solid marriage, but for the times that they have spoken wisdom and encouragement into my life. I received both of those things and more the evening I sat on their couch to interview them. Later, when I stepped off of their front porch after the interview I was so full of sound advice, wisdom, encouragement, and joy from the manner that they spoke and related to one another that I thought I was going to pop.

I asked about fourteen questions, but each question led to a story or example which in led nicely to other questions, and it was a nice cycle that kept us chatting. I learned that they have been married for 40 years, they got married at 22 (Steve) and 20 (Jan), and had their first child 9 months and 15 days after they were married. When I asked if they thought the ages that they got married were good ones, Steve said, “We were young…but we got to grow up together.” Jan was in agreement. She expressed that it would have been nice if there had been a little more “growing up” time together before their first baby, but looking back she wouldn’t change it. However, she nailed having a baby so soon as one of the hardest changes for her in their marriage.

Though I wasn’t surprised by their answer to my question “What were some of the best times in your marriage so far? And what is something that helped you along in tough times?” because of my own experiences, I was amazed at the confidence they had in their answer: “The best times were the ones where we had to depend on God the most. The best times and the poorest times often were the same because we realized that all that mattered was with us –our babies and each other and that through everything God is faithful.” I asked how each one had changed the other in some way and Steve joked, “Oh, not at all!” Jan laughed and swatted him with her hand, but then they answered more seriously. Jan said “I learned the power of submission that is outlined in the Bible. It’s not a weak thing.” Steve’s answer related to that very much and was “I learned that ‘our decisions’ are better than ‘my decisions’.”

When I asked how they were different from each other, it led into a discussion about whether or not people who were the same could really work out in a marriage. They both agreed that they are very different from each other and that their differences help them work together. Steve said, “It’s like sand paper and wood. They rub together, get smoother, and actually make something over that time of friction.” Some specific differences they said were their family backgrounds and Jan said, “He has a temper. That is something I had never seen in my dad.” But then Steve said, “When I was growing up, my dad and my brothers had an old fender hung up in the garage…whenever we needed to we’d go beat on it.” Besides details from the ways they had been raised, Steve is more passionate while Jan is more analytical. He has eyes of faith, while she looks at things through a more logic and practical perspective. As they talked about that Jan playfully said, “His ‘eyes of faith’ usually seem like ‘vain imagination’.” Steve responded with, “But your practicality and logic can be so unreasonable!” They both smiled when I asked them how they fought. Then they said, “You just saw it.” After they said that, they reflected and could only think of a few times where they actually yelled at each other, but Jan said that is because she was not as verbal as he is and that they still always had to express themselves and come to an agreement. That led smoothly into my question of “How often do you say ‘I’m sorry, will you please forgive me?’ to one another?” They said “That is SO important. We say that when we need to.” Jan said that something she found to be very helpful was to say “Why didn’t I think of that?” to Steve when they would argue. It helped because it was humbling and respectful of the other person’s perspective.

It was clear from the beginning of the interview that their kids and grandkids were of utmost importance to them. They said that the ages 2-6 were “magical”. When Jan smiled fondly and said, “He was made to have kids and to be a father”, a dreamy look came into Steve’s eyes and he said, “Those little arms…hugs around my neck, plays, choirs, band performances…coming home from work to those little arms…” When I asked how they’d kept things peaceful between their children (earlier they’d said that their children had all gotten along quite well. They fought behind their backs, of course, but for the most part they co-existed peacefully.) Jan said that they just expected that there would be peaceful co-existence. Nothing is more important that family and it was unique and beautiful that the siblings expressed love for one another.

I asked if they were satisfied in their marriage, though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer to that one. Steve said, “More so all the time.” He continued by saying that they were best friends and that the “romantic, sweet, and precious times” have and will continue to be wonderful with his wife. Finally, I asked, “How would you like to continue to grow in your relationship with each other?” Even though it was my last question for the interview, it led to more topics and discussions, but their answer was, “Well, we’ve got to think ‘What is ahead?’ we’ll get older, need more help, and eventually there will be a point where one of us is gone. So we will make sure that there is a plan and transition for the remaining one.” They said that while it is hard to look ahead, they will keep it going, have grace, and be prepared for whatever God brings.

Things changed, things changed them, and they aren’t anywhere close to how they imagined they would be or what they would be doing with their lives. But the change in plans, the detour and the new dreams that came turned out to be what was best. The way they embrace that is incredible. Before I walked out to my car Steve hugged me and said “Keep the shiny side up and stay in between the green.” While that was not the most impacting advice this couple gave me that evening, it is among the many things that I will never forget that they said to me.

It was a great experience for me. Thank you Steve and Jan for your examples, and words of encouragement! It means a lot to me!  :)